The Kind of Mother I Want to Be

by Shanna Duncan

My husband's cousin, a stay at home mom, said to me once, "I couldn't be the kind of mom I want to be if I worked." I found that interesting because she had an exciting job that took her all over the world before she and her husband decided to have kids. At the time, I wasn't sure what that meant, but I was young, in an exciting career and working very hard to make my way.

My own cousin said to me at dinner the night before my baby shower, "The decision on whether to work or stay home was very easy for me. I couldn't imagine someone else raising my kids." Wow. If I worked, would I really be relinquishing my parental responsibilities?

Others made similar comments. I began to wonder if I was doing the right thing by planning to work after maternity leave. Then I had my baby. She was the most beautiful person I had ever seen. I knew from the moment I saw her that I would do whatever it took to make sure she was in a protective, nurturing, healthy environment and surrounded by lots and lots of love.

After four months, I missed being at work. I missed my colleagues, I missed my office. I missed working. So, I went back as planned. My daughter started at the day care center that we had been on a waiting list for a year. The first week, I was on the Internet every day watching her on the Web cams the center had installed. I watched these wonderful women take care of my baby. They held her, they played with her, they loved her.

But, every day, when I picked her up after work, it was me she smiled at and me she wanted above all others. My favorite part of the day.

Daycare does have its drawbacks - germs. My little girl began to suffer from chronic ear infections. In fact, she suffered six in six months, so I began investigating the possibility of tubes. I hated the thought of putting my now 11 month old under anesthesia, but I also hated watching her suffer from the pain of the infections.

When she was going through her last ear infection, I called my pediatrician. She wasn't available, but another one in the practice was. We went in, went through the exam and the pediatrician confirmed what I knew.

Since I knew we'd hit the threshold for the recommendation of tubes, I asked this new pediatrician what she thought. She said, "You don't want to know what I think," and then she proceeded to tell me that I should find a smaller day care situation for my daughter instead of risking putting her under anesthesia. In fact, I should do "without as many luxuries and stay home with" my daughter.

I was flabbergasted. I was so shocked that this woman - a working woman - was telling me that because I worked, I was jeopardizing my daughter's health. I'm sure what she was trying to tell me was that germs - bacteria - cause ear infections. Because my daughter was surrounded by other kids, she was exposed to more bacteria, which made her much more susceptible to more infections. One choice was to remove the exposure to bacteria. But, that's not what she said.

I wish I'd had the presence of mind to tell her that her advice was interesting since she knew nothing about my home life or my situation.
Do without as many luxuries? Luxuries, like my house? We live outside of Washington, D.C., where it is very difficult to live without two incomes.
But, I didn't have the presence of mind to say that. I almost started crying because I felt guilty for working. I felt guilty for putting my daughter in daycare. I felt like a horrible mother.

The next day when I took my daughter to day care, her teacher gave her a big hug and told her how much her teachers and friends missed her the day before. Her little friends smiled and waved to her. And then, I got it.

In the U.S., moms - all moms, working and stay at home - sometimes have to make very difficult choices. And sometimes, every choice is a bad one so we do our best to make the least bad choice. None of us would intentionally make a choice that would put our children or our families at risk.

But because we have to make imperfect choices, we get defensive about the choices we make. We say things that are hurtful to other mothers - not intentionally, but hurtful nonetheless.

Thinking back to what my husband's cousin said, I realized that I couldn't be the kind of mom I wanted to be if I didn't work. By enjoying my career and contributing financially to our family, I was teaching my daughter something. I was teaching her the importance a well-earned dollar, the satisfaction of a job well done. I was teaching the importance of being self-sufficient. I was teaching her a good work ethic.

As I watched my daughter play with her friends and hug her teachers back that day, I also realized that it does take a village. And what a wonderful village I had assembled. I was able to do something that made me feel good about myself because of these wonderful people who so enriched my little girl's life.

We're all in the same boat, just sometimes we choose different directions. Perhaps, if we had better choices, we wouldn't be so hard on each other. Perhaps, if quality childcare were more affordable, if women earned as much as men, if moms were given a fair shake, if we had more family friendly policies overall, we could ease up on each other.

We all do the best we can and I think that the best lesson we can all teach our daughters is to respect others choices. Then, we can work together to make sure our daughters have better choices than we do.

Imagine what a wonderful world that would be.