The Equality Challenge

On paper, having a husband who does half the housework, changes half the diapers, cooks half the meals, and schedules half the pediatrician appointments (without any reminding) sounds like heaven to most women. In theory, having a wife who brings in half the money and never, ever nags or directs him at home sounds like the perfect dream to most men. Why, then, aren’t we all rushing out to create these types of relationships for ourselves?

The answer, at least in large part, lies in the challenges that must be overcome. The challenges come from the outside world as well as from within our own selves. External pressures tell men that they must be the primary providers for their families; anything else is not ‘manly’ and can’t be right. Women are told by society that they must own the raising of children; to abdicate this responsibility to the couple as a team is to push against this cultural stronghold. Never mind the external pressures that make it hard to find jobs with the flexibility to set up an equal sharing arrangement.

Internal pressures can be even stronger than external ones. Within the intimacy of each marriage (or unmarried partnership) lie the battles for control. To achieve true equality at home, women must be ready to let go of owning how their home is run. They can’t just ask for ‘help’ and expect men to jump at the chance to come to their aid. They have to relinquish their directorship – which means no longer can they dictate how/when the chores are done, how the home is decorated, how the children are raised, what clothes the kids are wearing. As equals, men and women must relearn how to set joint standards for all of these things and then get out of each other’s way. And women who seek equality must no longer assume that motherhood is more important – more sacred - than fatherhood.

Men, on the other hand, must stop hiding behind incompetence at home. No more shrinking the laundry and then acting helpless so that their partners take up the chore again. No more acquiescing to their partner’s way of doing things, yet grumbling as they pitch in. They must also let go of the notion that their careers are more important – more worthy – than women’s.

These challenges are not small! And they have to be lived out in the minutiae of everyday life to create lasting equality in the home. Today, the number of couples who have taken these challenges to heart is still small – but growing. The choice to share equally is not a moral one – it is not better than other lifestyles, but rather a worthy choice that may be the best one for some families. Like ours, without a doubt.

We just want to go on record to say it isn’t easy, but it’s a great life nonetheless!