My daughter has feared police for a long time.  Every time a cop would drive past or pull alongside us at a stop light she would get panicky. I would shake my head and dismissively ask her what was wrong.  Her response was always that the police scared her; mine was that she was doing nothing wrong so she had nothing to fear. In our family, like many other Black families, we spent more time talking to our son about what he should and should not do when stopped by a police officer (he never listened but that is an entirely different blog post).  It never crossed our mind's that our well-behaved, good-looking daughter had anything to fear.  I mean, after all, how many girls have you ever known to be harassed by the police?  Apparently more than most of us realize.

When I woke up last Tuesday morning my Twitter timeline was full of #WhatHappenedToSandraBland posts.  It took me a moment to wake up and figure out what event had unfolded when I went to bed early Monday evening.  My search stopped me cold in my tracks.  A woman had been found dead in her jail cell in Waller County, just up the road from Houston.  To say that I was stunned is an understatement.  I became obsessed with finding out more about Ms. Bland because this case hit so close to home.  Not only did this woman die in our back yard, she was a young, black and college-educated, just like my daughter.

Realizing that my dismissal of my daughters fears could result in her death was terrifying.  Not in an 'omigod I hope that never happens to my kid' passing thought but in a sobering 'if that happens to my kid I will lose my mind' nightmare.

I instantly realized that I had told a lie.  I had bought into the myth of respectability politics - that if Black people carry ourselves in ways respected by white, mainstream society, we will be safe.  Lies, all lies.

My daughter could die if she is seen as a threat while driving black.

No loud music needed.  No gang colors.  Not even a scary hoodie.  Just a failure to signal while driving down the street in a college town in broad daylight.

I began to internally panic.  In dismissing my daughters fears had I taught her to dismiss her gut?  Did I teach her to silence her warning signals?  The last thing I would ever want is for my kid to end up hanging from a partition via a cheap plastic garbage bag.  That would absolutely devastate me.  It would totally annihilate my family.  The world would be missing something and someone amazing.

So, to my daughter I apologize.  I am sorry that I discounted your fears.  I am sorry that I believed you were safe because you are the 'good girl' and listen and say yes sir/ma'am.  I am sorry that the work I have done my entire life has not resulted in systemic changes that ensure you are safe in our streets or judicial system.  I am sorry for paying more attention to the risk we assumed faced your brother which has left you vulnerable. 

Daughter, if you ever get pulled over by a cop please try to call one of us in your 'favorites;' just leave the phone on the seat so we or the voicemail can hear what is happening.  Before the officer gets out of the car please put both hands on the steering wheel.  Try to answer reasonable questions and if you feel afraid see if you can gain the attention of a passer-by.  Ask the officer if you can please call your parents.  Pray.

It breaks my heart to type this but I need you to know that #ifyoudieinpolicecustody I will fight to find out what happened to you.  #ifyoudieinpolicecustody I will never believe any crime you did or did not commit was more important than your life.  #ifyoudieinpolicecustody I will not believe anything other than the fact that you were an awesome daughter, leader and friend.  #ifyoudieinpolicecustody I will make sure the world knows your name.  #ifyoudieinpolicecustody I will not rest until you get justice.

Daughter, I am sorry for lying to you.  You are not safe.  You must be alert at all times.  You are worthy of so much more but I cannot promise it to you.  I know my job is not done.  I will keep working.  I promise to keep fighting until my words become truth.

kelli
(Originally posted on www.iamkelli.com)

Please consider raising your voice with MomsRising as we ask Attorney General Lynch to investigate the death of Sandra Bland and prosecute those who played a part in her death. The Obama administration must also advance policies to ensure that all deaths in police custody are independently investigated and enact police reforms to end racial profiling and police brutality: http://action.momsrising.org/sign/justice-sandra-bland/