Time flies–my 11-year-old started his first year in middle school last month. Between schoolwork, swim team practice, Math Olympiad, and violin lessons, he’s so busy that he can hardly breathe. But these are all his own choices–I tried to help him cut down on some activities, but he wouldn’t hear of it. 

Now with the back-to-school season waning, he’s started to complain, “I’m so tired after swim team practice, and I still have to do math! Can you just wash my swimsuit?” Or, “I have to practice violin after Chinese class today. I can’t help you clean the table after dinner. I’m just too tired!”

I told him, “Nope, housework is a must. You don’t have to do so many extracurricular activities, but you can’t skip housework for schoolwork. And you’re not ‘helping me’ when you clean the table–housework is everybody’s work, not my work! Even when your father comes home late from working overtime, he still has to wash the dishes!”

He argued, “But I’m not a stay-at-home mom!”

Hearing him wail, I felt the urgency to talk to him about balancing school life (now) or career life (in the future) and care responsibilities. In fact, I think all parents need to talk to their sons about that.

Why focus on boys? Because both existing research and our lived experiences show that girls get these messages early on. Our society and culture expect women to adjust their careers for family life, but we don’t have the same expectations for men. So, little girls watch the female adults around them juggling family and career. Young women have opportunities for mentorship in this area, but little boys and young men rarely get the same support.

And while moms like me are fighting so hard against the status quo, the policy makers are not necessarily standing with us. Election season is upon us and we’ve seen some of the candidates deliberately ignore the issue when asked about making childcare affordable–which to be clear is important to dads too. Candidates are influential people and can shape our children’s ideas about workplace justice and gender equality. Where did my son get the idea that housework is stay-at-home mom’s work? Definitely not me. 

Changing gender norms takes intention and effort. With school in full swing and the general election approaching, there are two things on my to-do list: start a conversation with my son about care responsibilities, and hold candidates responsible for their plans to build a care infrastructure. I invite you to do the same, because #CareCantWait.