When we put our children on the bus or drop them off at school all we really want is for them to learn, to be safe and to return home ready to turn around and do it again – for thirteen years!  We also hope they really like it.  I don’t think many of us even stop to think about the actual 420 minutes of a basic 7 hour school day-- the minutes on the bus, or playground, in the halls, classroom or lunchroom and how those minutes might be fun, challenging, frenzied, stressful or perhaps just plain torture.  Unless a child has been struggling for a very specific physical, emotional or other reason (e.g. a disability), we don’t really think about those minutes until the child says or does something that sets off the little warning bell in our head.

For a friend from work, it was when her 4th grade daughter (Emma) started telling her every morning that she had a stomach ache and couldn’t go to school.  For a friend from church, it was when her 5th grade son with a learning disability and ADHD (Sam) came home with bruises and couldn’t sit down without groaning in pain.  For a friend from the neighborhood, it was when her 7th grade son with Aspergers (Jon) kept wearing long sleeved shirts-- even when it was hot outside.  Each of them heard that little voice saying, ‘something isn’t quite right.’  So, with patient coaxing and persistent prodding each of my friends learned that their child was being bullied at school.

While each family has their own story to tell and thankfully, each child is now okay, the sad fact is that three children in my own small circle had to endure repeated aggressive behaviors that intentionally caused harm; and, three children I know experienced the ugly side of an imbalance of power that was meant to result in verbal, physical, or social harm.

These are the two major components to bullying as described in a very parent friendly toolkit that was just launched.  There is information for everyone – especially Moms like me who have children in school with learning disabilities – my son has dyslexia and dysgraphia.  We want to know more about the signs that our child might be bullied or becoming the bully.  There are helpful tips for talking at home, working with the school and helping build a strong, unified approach to making sure bullying doesn’t exist where we live, go to school or play.

While each of my friends’ children are doing well now, these families live knowing that school isn’t always the safest or most joyful place.

• For Emma, it took months to get the school and the other family to ensure the girl bully stopped kicking Emma every time she saw her.  When asked what else could have been done, Emma says:  “I just wish someone at school would have done something sooner.”
• For Sam, it took several meetings with the principal and teachers before lunchroom monitors were finally trained to keep two boy bullies from pushing and tripping him in the lunch line.
• For Jon, it sadly took more than a year for him to tell his Mom that he was being stabbed with pencils and getting his had slammed into lockers and behind doors by several boy bullies in the hallway.  The boys were never suspended or expelled and my friend finally took Jon to another school.  Jon suffered from anxiety and post-traumatic stress.  He has recovered and is now happily enrolled in film school.

None of us want our children to experience bullying and unfortunately, children with disabilities are especially at risk.  As a parent of a child with LD and an advocate, I want us to stand together and be vigilant.

First, for anyone dealing with bullying, especially if your school or friends keep saying ‘this is just how kids are,’ ‘they’ll work it out,’ ‘boys will be boys’ or the other nonchalant things we might say to pass off aggressive, intentionally harmful behavior among kids, the toolkit has some great resources to help.  There are tips on how to talk with your child, with friends, with the teacher or principal and ways to simply guide you in ways to stop the bullying now.

Second, we need the U.S. Congress to enact the Safe Schools Improvement Act (H.R. 1648/S.506), in both the House and Senate to establish a federal definition of bullying and protect students, including students with disabilities. Did you know that bullying isn’t against the law in many states across the country?

Be that special Mom who notices the little things, who hears a child’s plea for help and understands that something just isn’t quite right.  You can become part of this important effort in the U.S. to create a Bully Free World now!

Laura W. Kaloi is the public policy director for the National Center for Learning Disabilities where she advocates for the rights of children and adults struggling with or at-risk for learning disabilities. She has three wonderful children, a terrific husband and lives and works in the Washington, DC area. NCLD is a partner of the documentary film BULLY, in theaters now.