By Leslie Kantor, Vice President of Education, Planned Parenthood Federation of America

October marks Let’s Talk Month, aimed at getting families talking about sexuality and relationships.  For those of you who think you’ve got this covered, think again. New research shows that while most parents are talking with their children, most of us aren’t talking often enough or in enough detail about critical topics that will help ensure that our children make healthy decisions.

Planned Parenthood and New York University’s Center for Latino Adolescent and Family Health commissioned a national survey of parents and their children, and we found that over 80 percent of parents are talking with their children ages 9-14 about puberty, peer pressure and staying safe online — but 1 in 5 parents have never talked with their 15- to 21-year-olds about strategies for saying no to sex, birth control methods, or where to get accurate sexual health information.  A third of parents had never talked with their 15- to 21-year-olds about where to get reproductive health care services.

The take-home message? Parents are talking, but they’re not talking about all of the topics they need to, or often enough, especially as teens get older and need specific information about how to protect their sexual health. 

Parents have an opportunity to make a real difference in their teens’ lives by talking about issues such as whether or not their teens are ready for a sexual relationship and why, emotions that accompany having sex, what to expect from sexual relationships, and the advantages and disadvantages of having sex. Why these topics?  Because research shows that these are the discussions that matter in influencing health decisions.  Research also shows that teens say their parents are the biggest influence on their decisions about sex, and that teens who talk to their parents about sex are more likely to wait longer to engage in sexual activity, and use condoms and other forms of birth control when they become sexually active.

When kids are younger, we want to be sure to convey our values about many things, including the context we believe is appropriate for sexual activity.  Even though the majority of parents (61 percent) in our survey reported wanting teens to wait to have sex until they are ready to handle the responsibilities that come from having a sexual relationship only 52 percent of parents reported ever talking about these values explicitly with their children. We need to be clear and specific and not assume that our kids will just know what we believe and what we want for them. 

As teens get older and get involved in relationships, we need to ask clear, direct questions about their relationships, including any sexual activity that is taking place in their relationships.   Our survey showed that parents tend to know when their teens are having sexual intercourse, but they don’t know when their teens are having oral sex. Among teens and young adults 15-21 who reported having vaginal sex, 91 percent of their parents knew. However, among those reporting having oral sex, only 40 percent of their parents knew. When parents know what’s going on in their teens’ lives, they can help them make healthy decisions.

A great way to start conversations, about sexuality and relationships is to use pop culture as an opening. Watching TV, movies, and music videos with your children or listening to music lyrics can provide natural opportunities for conversations.  Once you’re talking about characters’ relationships or storylines in a show, it can be easy to listen to our teens’ ideas about what they are seeing and to then communicate about values and expectations.

However you decide to engage your children in these critical conversations, remember that Planned Parenthood is here to help parents and their children talk more often and more in-depth about the things that matter. We’re committed to making sure that parents can address the important elements of decision making with their children, as well as their own beliefs and values about sexuality and relationships. PlannedParenthood.org has resources, guidance, videos, and apps designed to make starting and continuing these conversations easier.

So this October, find an opportunity to go beyond “the talk” and find the many teachable moments that can help you and your children communicate more openly and more often about the things that really matter.